Happy teenagers seems like an oxymoron. They can be giddy and hyper or depressed, frustrated, anxious, angry… the list goes on. Happy, calm, and grounded are not words that I attribute to teens. While I might be exaggerating, the extreme moods can make us forget the moments our teens acted happy, calm and grounded. Stay strong though, raising happy teenagers is possible and a beautiful thing.
Happy Teenagers Step #1 – We Need To Let Them Feel
My biggest learning curve came when my oldest two kids entered their teen years. I always thought of myself as a good parent. I didn’t coddle my kids or try to shield them from ever being upset.
Your cookie broke and you only want to eat unbroken cookies? That must be frustrating, but that is what I have. You can choose to eat the broken cookie or not eat it.
I let him or her cry it out. If they acted out of line, throwing cookies on the floor, hurting someone, or becoming destructive, they had consequences. I knew it was good for them to experience unhappiness in life and to have parents that set boundaries. I could be firm but with love and compassion. Those things can coexist and greatly benefit our kids.
Why then, would my parenting totally change when my kids became teenagers? When my teens were having the teen equivalent of a tantrum, what happened to my calm, confident parenting skills? Was I so scared of a teenager turning rebellious that I suddenly wanted to shield them from any hurt in life? I never tried to tape the cookie back together, so why am I doing that now?
Maybe it was that, or maybe teenage drama is not as clear and black and white as kid drama.
Whatever the reason, the first thing you need to tell yourself over and over is this. My child is entitled to feelings. He or she is allowed to be sad, angry, anxious, or what can sometimes seem like a combination of many feelings all at once.
Happy Teenagers Step #2 – They Deserve Ownership Of Their Moods
Picture this.
Teenage daughter walks in from school. She bursts out crying, talking about how she can’t deal with life anymore. Her friends forgot to include her and all went somewhere without her. Now the tears stop and she gets angry.
Why does she have to go to school anyway? It is so dumb and the only reason she could deal with it before is because she had friends. But now she has no friends and sees no point in school!
She dumps her bag where she came in, puts her jacket on a chair instead of hanging it up, flops down on the couch and falls asleep.
Where were we in all this? I probably listened, offered empathetic words “That is so upsetting that they just forgot to tell you!”, and maybe if daughter allowed it, I gave her a warm hug.
At this point, daughter is sleeping on couch and we are a mess inside.
We don’t point out the stuff everywhere because we don’t want to potentially push moody teenager over the edge! What is going to be? Is she going to be okay? Why would her friends do that to her? Should I bribe her with something to keep up her schoolwork?
Learning to Let Go
I had to tell myself that my teenagers deserved the right to own their own moods just like when they were little. This is a healthy part of growing up and learning how to deal with disappointment, anger and all the other fun moods out there.
I learned to empathize while keeping healthy boundaries inside. That was probably the most important tool I developed raising happy teenagers. We might think our inner turmoil won’t harm our child, but feeling for them is not the same as agonizing over the situation.
If we agonize over it inside, they feel it.
If I try to own my child’s mood, by letting it gnaw at me and stress me out, I am projecting a lack of confidence in my child. I am telling them that I don’t believe they can get past this on their own. Creating a boundary inside that says empathize – yes, but owning their problem – no, is non negotiable.
I worked hard, telling myself over and over, it’s okay, they will be okay, they will figure it out. I believe in them and this too shall pass.
Happy Teenagers Step #3 – Fear Is Not A Parent
Growing up we all heard horror stories of kids at risk and opinions on where their parents went wrong. He had an earlier curfew than all his friends, she wasn’t allowed to wear that outfit.
Parenting can be draining and stressful, but we don’t need the third parent called Fear joining the show. Try to be honest with yourself. My daughter just threw all her stuff everywhere. That isn’t very respectful but should I say something to her? Am I scared to say something because I will push her over the edge? Or maybe I just want to give her a bit of time to decompress so I don’t seem uncaring after she just unloaded on me.
Option one is not okay. Option two is fine.
Daughter sleeps for 20 minutes on couch, younger siblings come in and make noise and wake her. She gets up and starts to head towards her room. “Daughter? Bag, coat”, you say as you point to her stuff. There is no emotion behind your sentence. She is a teenager, so a big sigh will come out as she picks up her stuff and puts them away.
You have just told her with your actions that you think she is great.
If I don’t tell her to grab her stuff, she will know that I am walking on eggshells around her and think she is fragile.
If your child is having mood swings, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a happy teenager. It means you have a teenager. When we believe our kids are strong, they will believe it too. Strong and confident teenagers are the foundation for happy teenagers.
Happier Parents, Happier Teenagers
How does it all play out? I know that moods are healthy for my teenagers’ development. I separate myself from what they are going through by empathizing but allowing them to own their own problems, and I believe they are great kids who will get past this or figure out a solution.
Usually? 20 minutes pass, daughter comes out of her room. She is wearing a different top and some fresh lip gloss. “Hey Mom, Sarah just called and asked if I can study with her for English and then go walking. I’ll be home by curfew.”
“Sure, the dishwasher needs to be emptied before you go though.”
“Ugh, I will do it when I get back!”
“That actually won’t work for me tonight, I need it clear earlier.”
“Fine!”
If I had been stewing and working myself up about her tears and anger while she was moving past it on her own in her room, I would be in a very different place when she came downstairs.
I might sermonize to her about the dishwasher, or worse about how and what she needs to do about her earlier situation. Maybe I would even let her go without doing her daily chore. Both not good options.
Teenagers need their parents to be in control and calm as much as possible. They want to be adults, but they still want an adult in their life. It makes them feel safe.
No child – small, teen or adult, wants to feel that their parent has lost control of a situation. Stay confident. Examine the reasoning behind your decisions and parent from a place of strength, not fear.
Believe in your child. Believe in their strength and resilience and that everything they need to go through is helping them on their path to adulthood.
They will hit many bumps along the way, but they know that you have their back. The best gift we can give our teens is teaching them to become independent. It is a process and one that they can’t acquire overnight. Knowing that you trust they can do it will help them trust that they can too.
You will be happier, calmer and more confident and see happy teenagers reflected back at you.
This is an entire parenting course’s-worth of advice. THANK YOU!
Love this !! Writing so well,
Thank you ! Keep them coming 🙂
This was fabulous! as are all your home journeys! Keep them coming!